Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Mother's Day will be this Saturday, and I wish very much to wish it to my Mom, whom I do not know and whose face I can't recall. I wonder sometimes whether she love me, and if she do by how much? I never do understand mother's love, an unconditional love because I never have it. I am sorry to pen it here but I never have a diary of my own because in my life things like that is sacred and in my family when i grew up privacy is something you crave but never have.

I am a person who never complain, I never knew how too. I do wail when I am sick or cry when I am in pain but I somehow accept my lot in life. Just imagine I was born very short sighted. I saw the world as fuzzy images therefore I always taught everybody see the same as I do so I never complain. It was only when I went to school did I know I can't see even that by accident. I saw my brother got a pair of specs when we went back to hometown so I was adamant I want one too. Being a spoilt kid my father try to appease me so he send me to the shop making spectacles and walla! after the check up by the ophthalmologist my father found out I really can't see. I was eight then and I think it is odd because none who took care of me after my mother's death understood my eyes impairment.

But that is me, I have been sick since I was young, my hand have tremors due to the effect of drugs I was taking, but I took drugs since I was seven due to my asthma. Since I do not want to get sick religiously I would take my tablets everyday without fail. Nobody told me too i was just left to my own to decide, so it seems I have been taking care of myself since then. My health has deteriorated, my bone density has been diluted yet no one understand the chronic health situation I am in.

Yet when I am alone I wish someone would hold me, love me unconditionally. I don't think it would happen. The only time when I did found love, unconditional love it hurts because for one moment someone did love me and I cry when she left and now I do not want that pain again. I can't afford too especially to lose her or maybe him again. I wish I could remember my Mom and I wish could remember her voice but i can't. In a way I thank God for that for then I cannot compare my step mom transgressions and to me she's my Mom although she does not like me as she complain about it to others. Yes, how I wish there is someone for me, someone that is my own but it is a wishful thought but I can't stop that so to those Mother's Happy Mother's Day and love children of what colour they are as your own for their innocence will be lost someday and let their smile rights up your Day Happy Mother's Day!


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